In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
