After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
