do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
