Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
