Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
