At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
