My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
