Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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