i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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