Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
