I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
