She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
