1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
