I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
