Moan for me like Helen Keller
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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