Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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