My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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