I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
