i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
