Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
