The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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