My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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