I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
