How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
