I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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