Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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