Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
