these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
