After last night, I could never be a politician.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
