Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
