Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
We left an ass print on the piano.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
