We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
