Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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