Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
