She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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