He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
