Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
