oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
