Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
