Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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