her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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