nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
