hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
