this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
