Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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