Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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