Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
