my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Randomize
