last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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