I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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