Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
