Have you finally orgasmed yet?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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